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There are people on the net that have nothing better to do with their time
then be nasty to other people online. They post rude comments, spend hours
a day talking about sites they hate so much, that they well, spend hours a
day talking about them. (lame) They mock the owners and posters for their
opinions and their right to free speech. They expect everyone to fit into
their narrow-minded little world view or else they throw a temper tantrum.
To these people I say grow up.
Here's a bit of info people...the web is
a HUGE place. If you don't like what I say here, or who I am, or what I
do, or talk about, or what I look like, or the color of my hair, or
whatever asinine thing you dwell on, go somewhere else. It's
really, really easy. Honest. You just click the little "x" in
the corner of your browser and *poof* the offending, big, mean and nasty
site has disappeared.
I pay for this site. It's mine. That
means I can use it for whatever the hell I want to. Don't like it if I'm
bitching about something in my life? Oh fucking well. Go somewhere else.
Think I'm stupid for expressing my thoughts? Too fucking bad, don't read
them. Somewhere along the line, someone forgot this simple fact: Live
and let live Don't like me, cool, fine, whatever, I don't care.
This journal is NOT for you. It's for me. I'm not in it for popularity or
fame or anything stupid like that. I write it because I need to write and
express myself and get things out of my head sometimes. So read or don't,
it doesn't matter, but don't waste my time (or yours) bitching about it.
*gets off soapbox*
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Monday, August 14, 2006
Feels Like Sunday
I don't know why, but it doesn't feel like Monday today. I keep waiting for Love to come out of the second bedroom (where his pc is.) Of course, he's at work and in fact, it's not Sunday. It's just odd. I don't know why it feels like Sunday. I mean, they're our lazy, sit around, do nothing days and I'm certainly not feeling energetic, but...I don't know. It's even harder to not realize it's Monday when the lawn people have been outside since 8am making way too much noise and there's someone else with an ungodly loud truck doing some sort of pest control or fertilizer or I don't know what service as well. The surprise anniversary party for Love's parent's Saturday went well. They were totally surprised. We brought a cake. Which was almost $20. Oy. We're so broke right now, we've totally emptied the meager savings we had for the new car fund. It's just disgusting. Meanwhile the bad-enough gas fumes from the car have, we believe, turned into actual gas leak as Love had to fill up TWICE last week. This is a Very Bad Thing. We still can't get any financing whatsoever, need an imaginary co-signer to even consider a loan, and now we don't even have any savings left. Let's not forget that my glasses got chipped over two months ago now and I've been enduring the headaches that come with it because there's just no way I can even come close to affording a new exam and glasses. (My Rx has been weak for about a year now as it is so I refuse to spend $150 to buy a new lense for my existing glasses when I need to replace them for vision reasons anyway.) Things just haven't been anywhere near this bad financially in a long time. We're really past our last rope and you know, there are times I have to tell you, that I just feel like I can't keep doing this. I can't keep not even surviving. We go without so much and we constantly need to fix, buy or repair things for survival and we never can. Forget things like my health or my neck which has been in so much agony the last month, I cry at night while Love sleeps. It's just so bad and it never gets better and I try and try and try...and after awhile, you just can't try any more. Is it really so much to ask that I have glasses I can see with? Or owning a table to eat off of at least once in my life? Maybe replace the 15 year old mattress we sleep on that's worse then sleeping on the floor but it's the only thing we have, so we make due. Is it wrong to want an entertainment center that isn't broken or a dresser that isn't older than I am? Maybe I set my hopes too high when I dream about a chair for the living room or a couch I actually like and find comfortable? Maybe it's wrong of me to wish I weren't in pain all the time and wrong of me to wish I could have a host of things evaluated by a doctor. Maybe you know, I just set my goals too high. I mean, I once dreamed of traveling; of seeing some of the country or the world, but seeing as I haven't even been on vacation in about seven years, nor left the state in that long, I've resigned myself to that being a dream which will never come true. How low can I keep setting the bar? How long can I keep telling myself that in the ellusive "some day" things won't be so bad? (All the while watching them get worse.) I don't know. I mean when I actually didn't buy shampoo at the store because it was $5 and that was too much to spend, figuring I'd make due with whatever samples and left-overs I have for the week, something is fucking wrong with my life. And knowing that I'm not alone in these struggles means there's something fucking wrong with the world. I didn't mean the entry to go in this direction. It's just what came out I guess. I'm sliding into a deep, blue funk again. That abyss of depression where it hurts to be alive. I just don't want to do any of it anymore. More than that, I can't do it anymore. I'm ground down to the bone as it is.
~ from the beach near
:: miss m ::
at 8/14/2006 01:15:00 PM ~
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