|
|
|
galleries
Contact
Donations Through Amazon
Blogroll Me!
Noah's Wish
ASPCA
There are people on the net that have nothing better to do with their time
then be nasty to other people online. They post rude comments, spend hours
a day talking about sites they hate so much, that they well, spend hours a
day talking about them. (lame) They mock the owners and posters for their
opinions and their right to free speech. They expect everyone to fit into
their narrow-minded little world view or else they throw a temper tantrum.
To these people I say grow up.
Here's a bit of info people...the web is
a HUGE place. If you don't like what I say here, or who I am, or what I
do, or talk about, or what I look like, or the color of my hair, or
whatever asinine thing you dwell on, go somewhere else. It's
really, really easy. Honest. You just click the little "x" in
the corner of your browser and *poof* the offending, big, mean and nasty
site has disappeared.
I pay for this site. It's mine. That
means I can use it for whatever the hell I want to. Don't like it if I'm
bitching about something in my life? Oh fucking well. Go somewhere else.
Think I'm stupid for expressing my thoughts? Too fucking bad, don't read
them. Somewhere along the line, someone forgot this simple fact: Live
and let live Don't like me, cool, fine, whatever, I don't care.
This journal is NOT for you. It's for me. I'm not in it for popularity or
fame or anything stupid like that. I write it because I need to write and
express myself and get things out of my head sometimes. So read or don't,
it doesn't matter, but don't waste my time (or yours) bitching about it.
*gets off soapbox*
|
Saturday, April 08, 2006
John Wayne's Got No Teeth
(The title doesn't always have to be related to the content, does it?) Couldn't sleep last night. Tossed and turned like crazy. Think it was the Claritin-D I took. I thought because it was the one with Sudafed it'd make me drowsy. We were out of Bendryl and my nose was a broken faucet and the regular claritin wires me, so I opted for the D version instead. Initially, I passed out on the couch waiting for Love to get ready for bed but sometime towards 4am or so, I woke up. And laid there in that state where you feel like there is a physical barrier preventing you from obtaining sleep. Sucks. Odder still though is that I think my wrist was dislocated or something this time (rather then the minor arthritis flare-ups I get in it occassionaly.) Because it was killing me last night. Tylenol and such hadn't touched it. I couldn't bend it and I was having a hard time getting comfortable because I couldn't figure out how to position my arm so it didn't hurt. Well, at some point in the night, either out of fatigue, desperation or stupidness, I decided to make my wrist bend. So I pushed it down. At which point it made this MASSIVE pop. It promptly hurt worse and did so for about an hour. After that though, I realized I could actually move it. As of this morning, it's about 80% less sore. Still aches but that might be leftover from it being out of whack. I can bend it now without wanting to cry and I can type a lot easier as well. Thing is, I have no idea how it might have gotten out of joint and it's kinda worrying that it did. I'm also still a little weirded out that I popped it back into place and that it's kinda making an odd noise now when I move it. Hrm... Alright, well, off to the races for me. (No, not really. I actually find animal racing cruel.) Need to shower and get dressed and all that fun stuff for the day. Which will be a long one with the game tonight. (zzz...) I'm going to be dead on my feet by the time it's over. Heh. (Ok, for those wondering, the title comes from the movie, Smoke Signals)
~ sweet smelling daffodils :: miss m ::
at 4/08/2006 11:08:00 AM ~
~
Friday, April 07, 2006
Quasi F/T Schedule Day Two
There is a lot I want to touch on, unfortunately, my left wrist is totally in agony right now making it stabbing painful to type. I have a bit of arthritis in it I believe (along with my mom and sister who have the same issues) but it normally is only bad when cold or damp. It's neither right now so I don't know why it's so bad. Jeez. I can not type. You should see what it looks like before the backspace bar gets to it. Anyway...Thursday Love wasn't feeling well so he called in and I got to sleep in until 8:45am and just drive myself into work. Day went by really slow. Stomach held out though only through force of will. It was really bad yesterday and still is today. Today (Friday), I got up around 8:15am, brushed my teeth and threw on a different shirt (kept the pj bottoms on) and grabbed the phone. Laid back down until Rand buzzed at the gate. Rode in with him to work, dropped him off and went back home to get ready myself. Worked out ok though it's a bit of a hassle. Still, at least I have some option, so I can't complain really that it's a little inconvenient. Really slow day today. Mostly, I sat in the office I'm using - which, by the way is nice because it's kinda off by itself and there's a big wall of windows so I don't have to turn on the florescent lights - surfing and listening to my iPod through my laptop's speakers and answered the phone every 30 minutes or so when it bothered to ring. They set up a call foward to my phone so I can answer it from there instead of needing to be at K.'s desk. My name was even on the phone display today. It made me disproportionately giddy. The afternoon I had a project of sorting marketing flyers and putting together some things for one of the sales reps. Boring but it was something to do. I find that my mornings go by much quicker then my afternoons. I don't know why that is. 10am - 1pm(ish) feels significantly quicker then 2pm - 5:30pm. It's weird. I'm back in Monday again so next week should be a "full" week on the 10am -5:30pm schedule. We'll see how it goes. No word yet on approval or outcome if it is approved. I just really hope all of this isn't for nothing. I really don't want to get my hopes up because I don't want to be let down if it turns out they don't approve the position or they offer it to someone else instead. The unknown of it all; how up in the air it is and how day-to-day it is makes it very hard. It's hard to try to come to some sort of balance when you don't know what will happen tomorrow. I'll definiately enjoy the money either way, but having a steady second income again (after several years now) would be so amazingly helpful in so many drastic and critical ways. Ow. Dammit. My wrist is so fucked up. It'll probably be like this for no reason for a few days before it just gets better and doesn't hurt again for possibly months before it flares and I start the cycle over again. I can't bend my wrist and even getting anywhere near 90 degrees is stabbing pain through my wrist and up the underside of my forearm. It's always and only my left wrist (and I'm a righty.) I'm typing this really weird right now - a modified hunt-and-peck - so I can minimize how I bend it. Tomorrow we have a hockey game to go to. Yeah for free tix. (The company has season tickets that employees can sign up for and enjoy for free. Just an employee perk.) So that's something fun to look forward to. I need to get the final item for my Full Moon Swap that I special ordered and which came in on Tuesday as well as some blue crystals for a necklace and bracelet order. It'll be a busy weekend getting it all done before the work week starts again. (You never realize how much free time you had and took for granted until you don't have it anymore.) Ow. Ok. MUST stop now. That's the update at the moment. TTFN.
~ sweet smelling daffodils :: miss m ::
at 4/07/2006 10:59:00 PM ~
~
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Ongoing Status Towards Perm Job
(This is long but it's really important, potentially life-changing stuff. I'd really appreciate thoughts.) It's gotten a bit confusing. Apparently the position has not been approved yet. It's not authorized yet for an official hire. But, to complicate things, they're looking to make it a full time position if it is approved. K. confirmed I'd be their first choice, however, basically only on full-time. So I broke down yesterday afternoon and basically explained about my digestive issues/IBS. Without getting into graphic detail, I gave her a sketch of how my stomach works (or rather, doesn't) and how long stretches of hours away from the facilities is just an impossibility for me. I told her how it severely impacts my life and how it makes it almost completely impossible to wrangle it into order every day, day in and day out like that. I'm lucky if I can make it one day with that little time in the entire day, let alone five days in a row. We threw out some ideas and discussions on work-arounds, minimum requirements in terms of hours they'd absolutely require and what we could do so I could fit their needs - if approved mind, it's not even officially authorized yet! - and yet still keep my body as happy as possible and not worsen my health. At 30 hours a week, you can get insurance which of course would be helpful since I basically haven't seen a doctor in like five years but they'd be shooting for more like 32 min. I went home yesterday and spent most of the night awake, tossing and turning. The downside was that this morning found me badly sick to my stomach and still dealing with the Migraine That Won't End but the upside is that I came up with what I thought was a fair schedule which achieves both their needs and mine. The office opens at 8:30am and closes at 5:30pm. This means I have to get up around 7:30am and know my stomach won't work properly before I have to rush out the door and leave. By around 10 or 10:30am, my stomach is in hell and I'm stuck facing two more hours before I can go home at noon. At which time, I am stuck tyring to rush and hurry again, spending my entire lunch hour in the bathroom, rarely having time to even eat, then going back and having a four and a half hour block again before I can get home. The day starts off terrible because my stomach needs a lot of "wake-up" time when I get up and doesn't like to behave in the mornings to start with. My suggestion goes something like this: start at 10am. This gives me much more time in the morning to take it slow, not have to rush-rush-rush to catch my ride and try to start the day off better. Then, I'd work until 1pm or 1:30pm - basically when K. gets back from lunch. I'd take my lunch from 1-2pm or 1:30-2:30pm. Then I'd only have three or 3.5 hours until the end of day. This gives me a total of 6.5 hours every day - 32.5 hours a week - but in blocks no more then three and a half hours at a time. Plus, it gives me more time in the morning to get off to a better start. To me, it seemed like an absolute win-win suggestion. I'm not sure it's quite as well received as I'd hoped. I explained it to K. this morning and she said she'd have to talk to L. (her boss) to see how they want to proceed. I suggested that we do a trial run on this kind of schedule to see how it works out. I believe it's much more long-term do-able for me. I think it's a kind of schedule I can better keep up with and not have to be so erratic and miss mornings or leave early. It's a schedule that I really have hope I can prove I can be reliable if given a little wiggle room for my health. I'm going to finish this week and do next week on this schedule. Right now, there's a conflict though in terms of getting there in the morning. See, we only have one car (and barely that) which Love takes to his job of course. My friend Rand is the one who gets me on his way in to work because he passes my apartment complex on his way in. But he needs to be there at 8:30am. And he can't guarentee he'd be able to leave for a few minutes (we're only a few miles away) every morning at 10am to get me then. So for the time being, I'll need to get up and go in with him, drop him off and then come back and start getting ready. It means still basically getting up around the same time (though I can probably sleep an extra half-hour.) Ideally, the 10am start time works because it keeps me from having to wake up so early. 7am to me is like 4am to most people. It's in the middle of my deepest sleep cycle and getting up that early contributes to the rebellion by my stomach. So I'm just a little worried that this trial is going to prove a harder example then how it'd be when we eventually are able to get a second car. Because getting myself in at 10am gives me a ton more flexibilty in my morning time management then having to be out of the house at 8:20am. I just don't want to fuck this up basically. But I'm really worried that it's not going to give me as much of the realistic time and schedule that I need to make this work. And all of this could be smoke and mirrors anyway. They could wind up keeping me on for a few weeks until they find someone to commit to 40 full hours a week. I'm worried I'm going to push myself hard and work at it and really give it my all...and end up with an, "I'm sorry but..." spiel at the end. I don't know if it's legit doubt or if it's my inner fears coming to the surface. I'm always very self-conscious about whether people are lying to me; if they're just being nice to my face. It's a big issue with me. I've run into too many examples in my life where things weren't what I initially thought they were that I'm just once bitten, twice shy now. I have fragile health. It's not very good day in, day out to start with but I push it even a little and it all crumbles. I'm like a walking house of cards. But I so desperately need to do something - and to help alleviate the crippling financial crisis we've been living in for so many years. I'm so tired of trying and really giving it everything I have only to find out it's not enough. There's only so many times I can give excuses before people just stop believing me. Afterall, I look fine so obviously, there's nothing wrong, right...? I've lost so many jobs due to my health. I've been on FMA, doctor ordered bedrest and daily infusions which still wasn't enough to keep my jobs. It still wasn't enough "proof" that I can't live up to the standards everyone else so easily skims through. I live in this half-state where I'm healthy enough to do somethings but not healthy enough to count on doing a specific thing on a specific day or for a specific amount of time. And the "real world" doesn't work that way and it doesn't accomedate someone who has limitations like that. So I don't know. Tomorrow I'll officially start my day at 10am but I'll still be getting up almost as early. I don't know if it's going to work out the way I plan or if it's just going to be another reason why I just can't bring myself to try anymore. I'm so tired of failing. I was feeling hopeful last night despite my insomina; hopeful that I was going to find a workable compromise but it was received with such... "eh" reaction I think I've already lost before I can even begin. I need to head to bed. My wrist hurst from typing so I should stop anyway. I just don't know how to put it all out into words and how to express how encompassing this all is on my life, my future, my everything. I just know it's hard and it doesn't seem like it's going to work out to be a little bit easier like I'd hoped. And that brings me full circle back to depression and existing in a state without hope. Because if you don't hope, you won't be hurt when it all falls apart like it always does...
~ sweet smelling daffodils :: miss m ::
at 4/05/2006 11:21:00 PM ~
~
Really Bad Morning
Yesterday saw me on day four of a migraine that wouldn't break. It just kept receeding a bit to lurk in the background until it came back full force again over and over. Yesterday morning I was in really bad shape and I ended up coming in after lunch. Last night I couldn't sleep. At all. Not even a little. So I'm exhausted, my head is still screwy from the four days of migraines and my stomach is in agony. I feel like I'm going to vomit pretty much every moment since I've woken up. Love told me I should stay home but I was trying to be good and be the brave little soldier and come in. Now I'm completely regerting it and I'm wondering how I'm going to handle the rest of the day. It's only 10am and another two hours before I can even head home to use the facilities. And then face the afternoon...? I don't think I can do it. This is so frustrating. I can't even think for as bad as my stomach is killing me today and for as spacey as my head is. I'm just so frustrated. I'm so tired. I'm so sick of being sick. I just can't keep doing this and feeling this way every damned day of my life. I just don't know what to do anymore.
~ sweet smelling daffodils :: miss m ::
at 4/05/2006 10:03:00 AM ~
~
Monday, April 03, 2006
Photo Addendum
Just thought I'd tack on a few photos that tie in with today's earlier entry.  These are the big, comfy leather seats in the theater.  Here's the filming thing I mentioned.  ...And another. If you are curious, you can also see larger images of the two here as well. I had forgotten I'd taken a few pics but there they are. Enjoy.
~ sweet smelling daffodils :: miss m ::
at 4/03/2006 10:52:00 PM ~
~
Weekend In Review
Seeing as I've been a slacker in terms of posting over the weekend again, I guess I have to play a bit of catch-up. In brief: Saturday We used my blingo ticket wins to see V for Vendetta. Made a special trip down to Ybor and the Premier theater there which has four screens 21+ only. They have these big, leather seats, huge arm rests and the chairs recline back. They also have a full bar and give you free popcorn with your ticket. There were about ten of us in the theater and it was blissfully quiet - no screaming, fidgety kids anywhere. I really enjoyed the film and definitely recommend it. Good overall tone and message of opression vs. in the name of so-called safety as well as cool visuals and good action. While there, we came upon a small crowd gathered across the street from the theater. They had an expensive looking camera, a gaffer et al and appeared to be filming a movie. I say, "appeared" though because it really came off as being staged. They had a security guard and such, but... I don't know. The "actress" was very unattractive - looked like someone off the street. The "actor" in the scene was equally forgettable, coming across as some generic college kid. The director looked college age herself. She called the title as, "Honeymoon for Three" which, according to IMDB, has had three incarnations but not in some 60+ years. The director called for one take and the guard's cell phone rang. Each take would result in a few seconds of dialoge and then another cut. As we walked away towards the theater, there was a screaming fit by all people present including the actress, director and some genertic equitpment guy. And when I say, "screaming fit" I mean full on, hissy, yelling, just waiting for the hair pulling to start fit. Another reason it came off staged to me. Don't get me wrong, the Tampa Bay area has been host to a few feature film shoots over the years - everything from Edward Scissorhands to scenes from Ocean's Eleven and the entire movie, The Punisher - but...when they come, you hear about it. And they don't just do it on the street like that. I wonder what it was really about. Sunday Busy day... It was my sister's 40th birthday so we headed to her place for a BBQ/Bday party. We spent most of the afternoon there. Had a nice time. Afterwards, we had to hit Love's parent's house which is out that way - good 30-40 minute drive from our apartment. After that, we hit Super Target to return the first set of dishes we had bought to get our money back. Didn't get home until around 9pm - just in time to watch Sopranos. It was a bad weekend for my head. Saturday saw a migraine. Saturday night saw me hit instantly and without warning with a spike through my right temple. It hurt so bad I basically fell out of my computer chair crying and screaming in pain. Love didn't know if he needed to call 911 and I wasn't sure either. Thankfully, the intense pain went away after about 15 minutes and went to a low-level migraine so I was able to just go to bed. Sunday saw another one creeping in. By the evening, it was pretty bad and I was really spaced by the time we were at Target. Many times, I pretty much lose the ability to think cohesively when I get a migraine and I'm literally in a fog. I can't think clearly, I can't put together words to make sentences, I just can't think. I don't know why it's been so bad this weekend. It might be pressure/allergy issues which continue to be extremely high around here. Things like that never help and can defintely set off an attack. Even now, my head feels full of painful pressure. The Week to Come... Got a call this morning from K. She asked if I could come in the rest of this week and next week - but on full time. I'm happy they called me but...oh gods. I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle that many days full time. Between migraines which are bad enough and my chronic fatigue issues (which mean when I work full days, I come home from work, literally pass out for an hour or two, eat dinner and pass back out again for the night from exhaustion), the biggest hindrence of course is my IBS. It's impossible for someone to understand how a bad digestive system can impact your life so utterly and completely unless they have the misforutune of experiecing it themselves. I can't ever be away from the restroom for more then a couple hours at most and that's on good days. Bad days can mean I'm looking at multiple hour plus visits in a single day. You can't do this at work. And I can't count that my lunch hour is enough to get me through the long stretch of afternoon. It's horrible to be in pain and know you have hours to endure it. And hope and pray that you physically can. Because many times, you don't have a choice. (And no, it's not dietary. It's not food allergies. It's not manageable with prescriptions. It doesn't matter what I eat or don't and because it's not the kind of IBS that's one issue only, there are no meds for it. One day can be extreme in one direction, the next (or even later in the same day sometimes) extreme in the other. It's just a digestive system that does not and has never worked properly.) So I'm worried of course. I really want them to offer me a perm part-time position - something which is on the table again now that they have a new CEO. I suspect that this week and next is a trial run of sorts to confirm to the Board that K. and J. need enough help to make my addition worthwhile. (i.e. is there truly enough to keep me busy?) So I really don't want to fuck it up. It's just so horrifying and terrifying knowing that I can not in anyway count on my body to behave and that it might be more then I can push it to do. I'm already in a bad migraine cycle place right now and today I'm completely run down from my weekend and the near-constant endurance of migraines that it worries me all the more. I know worrying isn't helpful. I get that. But...it's hard not to look at things realistically and seriously realize you might be screwed. Anyway...speaking of my digestive system, it's acting up today. So I think here I shall close. I'm nervous about what tomorrow will bring and I want so desperately to get on perm part-time, I just don't want to miss my chance - again. Story of my life is always that my health gets in the way of holding down jobs. I'm tired of it and I want to be able to do what I can but I also know what my limits are (after ten years, trust me, I know my limits...) and I don't want to miss the chance to do what I can by failing through what I can not.
~ sweet smelling daffodils :: miss m ::
at 4/03/2006 02:15:00 PM ~
~
|
|||||||||
