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There are people on the net that have nothing better to do with their time
then be nasty to other people online. They post rude comments, spend hours
a day talking about sites they hate so much, that they well, spend hours a
day talking about them. (lame) They mock the owners and posters for their
opinions and their right to free speech. They expect everyone to fit into
their narrow-minded little world view or else they throw a temper tantrum.
To these people I say grow up.
Here's a bit of info people...the web is
a HUGE place. If you don't like what I say here, or who I am, or what I
do, or talk about, or what I look like, or the color of my hair, or
whatever asinine thing you dwell on, go somewhere else. It's
really, really easy. Honest. You just click the little "x" in
the corner of your browser and *poof* the offending, big, mean and nasty
site has disappeared.
I pay for this site. It's mine. That
means I can use it for whatever the hell I want to. Don't like it if I'm
bitching about something in my life? Oh fucking well. Go somewhere else.
Think I'm stupid for expressing my thoughts? Too fucking bad, don't read
them. Somewhere along the line, someone forgot this simple fact: Live
and let live Don't like me, cool, fine, whatever, I don't care.
This journal is NOT for you. It's for me. I'm not in it for popularity or
fame or anything stupid like that. I write it because I need to write and
express myself and get things out of my head sometimes. So read or don't,
it doesn't matter, but don't waste my time (or yours) bitching about it.
*gets off soapbox*
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Friday, April 14, 2006
Short Day
Yes! Finally. An xtian holiday is paying off for once. Due to "Good Friday," my office is closing at 1pm today. Rock on! Only a three hour day total for me and with one hour down, I've only got two left and I'm done for the week! *happy dance* (Hey, my Spring holiday was last month. Vernal Equinox arrived like it always does in March. Not my fault that their holiday is a month tardy this year.) Weekend here I come!
~ sweet smelling daffodils :: miss m ::
at 4/14/2006 10:59:00 AM ~
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Thursday, April 13, 2006
Fluff 'n' Stuff
Just a few random thoughts of no particular order or importance to fill the last hour of my day. It's all silly tibits, tv babblings and related. America Gets a Vote Right Who knew it was even possible? I mean, the entire world knows how badly we've been 'effing up our elections the last six or so years. However, America DID manage to get one vote right: who to kick off American Idiol. I can't tell you how thrilled I am that trailer park Bucky is gone. Ding-dong the hick is gone, the hick is gone! Ding-dong the stupid hick is gone! Now if only we can get rid of Nose Picker...er...Kelly Pickler. What a fucking idiot. I know I'm not the only one beyond done with the dumb act. Even Seacrest is rolling his eyes at her - on camera nonetheless. Stupid Human {Resource} Tricks Poor Love has to write up some lame, "Achivements and Goals" thing for his review. (Since when do they require the employee to do homework just to get an annual review?) Anyway, it's one of those things that just make you gag about the whole HR mentality. It's like when they ask you those loaded questions at your interview. What is your greatest weakness? Um, well, let's see..the fact that I'm not independantly wealthy and I have to put up with assinine questions like that? 32-bit Glory (And under. Heh.) Lately I've been reminiscing about old video games. Weren't they just the best? Does anything truly compare to the first time you played Mario Bros.? Or learned that you could cheap by using your hands to get a 50ft jump in the Track and Field NES game? The all-night sessions during summer vacation playing Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine...the first time you got dizzy watching how fast Sonic the Hedgehog could run? Right now I'm jonesing badly for Tempest 2000 which came out on the Atari Jaguar (and apparently Win95 cd so I need to find a copy and see if it'll play.) I was addicted to that game. It was such a zen-zone sort of experience. I'm also really wanting to play NiGHTS {Into Dreaming} for the Sega Saturn again. Problem is that I actually still own that game but I don't have the system anymore. I lent it to a friend who basically disappeared over two years ago and who hasn't responded to any of my contact. It's driving me batty to play it again. What is it about the nostalgia of old games? Right now I'm wanting to pick up Tetris DS because I remember how much fun I had with it on the original Game Boy. I love when they come out with old games on new systems. I have the complete Sonic collection for PS2 for example. I'm all excited that there's a new version out to play that's a throwback to something I had fun with years ago. Surely I can't be the only one who gets a "craving" for some good old fashioned 8-bit, 16-bit or 32-bit fun, right? ...Ok, I know there was another subject I wanted to mention but darnit. I got all thoughtful and distracted by old video games. And whatever else there was has temporarily fallen out of my head. Ah well. I guess I'll close now since this was just for fun and time-killing anyway. ;)
~ sweet smelling daffodils :: miss m ::
at 4/13/2006 04:55:00 PM ~
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Coming to Terms
Let's see...I ended up talking to Love on Tuesday night. All about my fears and my sense of failure and the knowledge that 33 hours a week is about 13 more hours a week then I wanted. The acceptance that there's trying and then there's a fool's errand. And I was reminded all over again how much I love my Love. He was so supportive and understanding. He appreciates the fact that I'm even willing to try. That I'm ready to find something I can do and that if it takes some trial and error to get the right situation for me, then that's perfectly ok. He also encouraged me to do more with my jewelry and crafts. He said we should try to do some shows. "Why not?" he said. If nothing comes of it, then nothing comes of it, but we won't know unless we try. He said he's proud of me and even though it's never a lot of money, just the money I bring in from my sales is always helpful and always at the exact right moment. (Which it is. It's eerie how often we could use a couple bucks to get us through the week or whatever and *poof* out of nowhere is an order of just the right amount.) All-in-all, he hugged me, consoled me and made me feel a million times better. He wants me to be happy. And he wants me to be as healthy as possible. And that does not include pushing myself to an unrealistic expectation. He also told me to take the day yesterday (Wednesday) and relax. De-stress. Give myself some "me" time and catch up on some rest and give my stomach a day to settle down a bit. So I called in. I'd been running a pressure headache anyway, so I didn't mind the time. I also got my order done and did some housework - another thing I generally keep up on but hasn't been getting done with us both working all day. So I'm back in this morning. I'll play the rest of the week out and go from there. If they want me back in next week, I'll probably do it because I can use the cash, but even on the very unlikely chance they did offer me the job on a perm basis, I think I'll have to decline. But that's ok. Because somewhere there is something that's right for me. And there is something that will be what I need it to be. I was so busy feeling desperate and pathetic and hopeless that I think I tried too hard to make this that "something right." It's close, don't get me wrong, it's close, but... ultimately I need to respect the boundries and be firm to what I know is my limitation. I realize now I let myself get bullied into caving; I let myself say I'd be what they needed when deep-down, I ignored what I needed. They knew from day one of temping almost two years ago that I was looking for part-time only. I was so desperate to please that I backed down from what shouldn't have even been in question. I'm feeling better for the crying and the talking. And I feel like I have a more firm handle on the bigger picture. It's not any easier by a long shot, but...at least I know I have Love's support behind me and the time and space needed to find the right situation in front of me. Who knows? Maybe Love's right. Maybe I need to focus more on my creative skills. Maybe I need to stop looking at it like some hobby anyone can do and have more self-respect for my work. Put more effort into new items, new techniques, new pieces and see where it goes. Either way, today is a better day. And I'm happy for it. I appreciate all my friend's supports, warm thoughts, positive energy and shoulders. I'm sure I'll call on you guys again in the future, but I think getting it out helped me come to a little better of a place for the moment. It's not perfect and there's still a lot of things that are going to be challenges but I guess it just makes a lot of difference to know that you're not alone in it and that you have support. And that trying but not succeeding is not the same thing as failing.
~ sweet smelling daffodils :: miss m ::
at 4/13/2006 10:55:00 AM ~
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Tuesday, April 11, 2006
There's No Crying in Baseball
But is there crying in office work...? This morning, I got in and I couldn't help it. I sat in my office and just cried softly for about 15 minutes. Not full out sobbing but only through force of will. I couldn't stop and in fact, I wanted to cry harder. Thankfully no one came around or heard me and I did my best to sound remotely pleasant when the phone rang. I'm just terribly, terribly unhappy right now. In fact, I feel myself sliding into a Deep Blue Funk. I'm unhealthy. I'm physically ill and exhausted. I'm broke. I'm hopeless. And I'm pushing myself in the temp job significantly more hours then I was hoping for and what is it getting me? I'm still unhealthy. (Worse in fact.) I'm still physically ill and even more exhausted. I'm still broke. And I have less hope then ever. I feel worthless and pointless and like the Worlds' Bigest Failure. I can't work because I'm so chronically unwell and in pain. (Which is what prompted the crying this morning. 36 hours of my stomach not letting up a single inch. How can it possibly churn and bubble for that long without a single pause...?) But I can't even hope to ever see a doctor without working more then I can physically accomplish and pray I get insurance. This whole "trial" thing just serves to remind me how much of an absolute unreliable failure I am. I hold myself to standards of basic normalacy and I'm finding those standards are so high above me that I can't even fathom them, let alone live up to them. I honestly believe that my health is so poor I should really be on some kind of disability. But you can't even begin that process until you've spent years working with doctors and being a human pin cushion. Which I can't do for the very reason that I need the help in the first place. No one is offering me the job because no one will want to deal with the basic failures and root damage I come pre-packaged with. It'll be another case of pushing myself for nothing and having nothing but another failure to show for it. And people wonder why I don't even want to try for anything anymore. Why I don't even let myself ever hope. It just hurts too damned much. I'm tired of being so unhappy. I have no one to talk to. I have no one who even believes me. I think everyone in my life feels I'm pathetic and that they all are tired of hearing what to them is just words. They can't see what it feels like every hour of every day. And they can't feel what it is to be so broken and damaged on the inside. They see the false outter shell, never knowing it's all decay and rot a hair's width underneath. I don't even know why I bother with my journal anymore. No one wants to hear this stuff every day. I don't even want to talk about it anymore so I'm sure it's not anything worth reading. I just want to crawl in a dark hole somewhere and not come back out. I don't even want to bother finishing the week. What's the point? It's just enflaming my sickness, I'm miserable and exhausted and they're not going to hire me anyway. Like everything in my life, it's all for absolutely nothing. Pointless, meaningless suffering.
~ sweet smelling daffodils :: miss m ::
at 4/11/2006 03:04:00 PM ~
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Monday, April 10, 2006
A Case of the Mondays
Was up all last night with my stomach feeling like it was being scraped apart by a spoon (from the inside). Woke up, had an awful morning and got into work about 30 minutes late. Spent a few more hours in pain at work but trying to work anyway. Thankfully, I sat at my desk and tried to figure out Access and importing Excel spreadsheets into it, etc. No actual moving around needed. Went to lunch. Maintenence guy was here fixing our A/C {again} so I had about ten minutes to myself to try to deal with my stomach - with no luck. Went back in, kept working on my project and answering the phones. Love came and got me, we hit Publix (supermarket), got dinner stuff and headed home. Another attempt at getting my stomach under control. Ate, watched some tv, more attempts. My stomach is still in horrible shape; I'm still in a lot of pain and I'm exhausted. It's one of those days I wish I never got out of bed. Now my damned wireless trackball's batteries are dying so I keep losing my curser. Bitches. Anyway, I'm going to get ready and go to bed. I still have so much I'm behind on and a necklace and bracelet order to try to get done. Sometime. One of these days. *sighs* Bad start to the week.
~ sweet smelling daffodils :: miss m ::
at 4/10/2006 10:43:00 PM ~
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