29 year old Pagan
female who lives in Florida with her guy and two cats, loves Disney,
reads fanatically, tinkers in photography and believes growing up is
overrated
Help support Pet
Cancer Awareness
I lost my beloved cat,
Kush,
to cancer in 2003. Cancer is the #1 disease-related cause of death
for cats and dogs. With your support, together we can find a cure
Noah's
Wish
Noah's Wish is a not-for-profit, animal welfare organization, with a
straightforward mission. We exist to keep animals alive during
disasters.
ASPCA
The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
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"winter wonderland" ver. 15
originally created 12/1/06 and designed for
1024x768
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There are people on the net that
have nothing better to do with their time then be nasty to other
people online. They post rude comments, spend hours a day talking
about sites they hate so much, that they well, spend hours a day
talking about them. (lame) They mock the owners and posters for
their opinions and their right to free speech. They expect everyone
to fit into their narrow-minded little world view or else they throw
a temper tantrum.
To these people I say
grow up.
Here's a bit of info people...the
web is a HUGE place. If you don't like what I say here, or who I am,
or what I do, or talk about, or what I look like, or the color of my
hair, or whatever asinine thing you dwell on, go somewhere else.
It's really, really easy. Honest. You just click the little "x" in
the corner of your browser and *poof* the offending, big, mean and
nasty site has disappeared.
I pay for this site. It's mine.
That means I can use it for whatever the hell I want to. Don't like
it if I'm bitching about something in my life? Oh fucking well. Go
somewhere else. Think I'm stupid for expressing my thoughts? Too
fucking bad, don't read them. Somewhere along the line, someone
forgot this simple fact: Live and let live Don't like me,
cool, fine, whatever, I don't care. This journal is NOT for
you. It's for me. I'm not in it for popularity or fame or anything
stupid like that. I write it because I need to write and express
myself and get things out of my head sometimes. So read or don't, it
doesn't matter, but don't waste my time (or yours) bitching about
it.
*gets off soapbox*
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M. Turner
Po Box 1484
Elfers, FL 34680
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Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here I don't think people can understand what a negative impact a seriously fucked up gastrointestinal system can have on your life unless you've experienced it personally. Not that I think anyone should ever have to experience it first-hand. It is, nothing short of hell. It's agony. It's constant suffering. It destroys your quality of life utterly and completely. And yes, you do, at some point, abandon all hope of it ever being better.
My stomach has been bad for four days now. Bad even for me. (Because my everyday would be quite unbearably bad for the average person.) Bad for me is like the worst food poisoning you've ever experienced in your life. Non-stop and without mercy. And today, it decided to get even worse still. So bad in fact, that around 3:45pm this afternoon, I literally had to flee the building because I was in so much pain and I knew I was going to be so sick that I didn't want to do it here at the office. (Thankfully, my apartment is a mere 1.5 miles from the temp job so it's just a few minutes home.)
I did come back in to finish the rest of the day simply because I had to be back here at 5:30pm when my friend Rand is done for the day. All I wanted to do of course was curl up and die - be it the oblivion of sleep or something more permanent, I'm not picky at this point - but I knew it'd be short-lived and futile. So I figured I might as well sit here at the desk instead.
Still though. I find myself at the stage where mentally, I'm just broken. I just can't take this kind of "living" any more. How do you explain to someone what it's like to be in agony every moment of every day? To come to a point where you are disgusted with the very concept of food because it's just your enemy? That no matter what you eat or don't eat, it doesn't matter because it's all just going to hurt. I never enjoy food anymore. It's all just suffering to me. I take two bites and I can't eat any more, so why even bother? I am disgusted spending money for something I can't ever eat or appreciate. I am disgusted knowing that the rest of the world has probably never even considered what it would be like to be physically made ill by the very sight of their dinner in front of them. That no matter how much they might want it or used to love the food, that they simply can't bear the mere idea of putting it in their mouth.
My world just continues to shrink. I can't do things, I can't go places, I can't hold down a job, I can't ever plan anything and now, I can't even eat anymore. (And yet in an absurd twist, my thighs continue to expand rather then lose weight.) When your stomach hurts so much that it's painful to breathe, life just isn't worth living any more.
Today has been hell. And know I understand why Dante said to abandon hope. There's simply no other option possible.
)