{"id":181,"date":"2010-06-08T13:01:40","date_gmt":"2010-06-08T17:01:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/2010\/06\/so-much-to-say-so-hard-to-get-it-said\/"},"modified":"2010-11-01T00:31:05","modified_gmt":"2010-11-01T04:31:05","slug":"so-much-to-say-so-hard-to-get-it-said","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/2010\/06\/so-much-to-say-so-hard-to-get-it-said\/","title":{"rendered":"So Much To Say, So Hard To Get It Said"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class='posterous_autopost'>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>And\u2026it\u2019s Tuesday again. Been meaning to update for a few days now but I really haven\u2019t felt like it, there hasn\u2019t been much to say that wasn\u2019t a downer and there just didn\u2019t seem much point. But I\u2019m at work and I\u2019ve already had a very busy morning so I felt like I needed a slight mental reprieve and thus I\u2019m writing up some semblance of an entry.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>Let\u2019s backtrack a bit and catch back up on the last several days\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>Last Friday was our last day in our old building. The company is condensing buildings and moving everyone out of one of them and filling up another. Friday was also Janet\u2019s last day. (The other day person who does the same job as me and who trained me.) So I spent as much time on Friday as possible packing and stalling so I didn\u2019t have to be on the phones. I also had a project to do for a lady in another department who was already in the new building and needed help with.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>Saturday we were going to run out to WDW for a few hours in the evening to catch the brand-new, summer-only fireworks show at the Magic Kingdom (they\u2019re only running through August 14<sup>th<\/sup> and we\u2019re on blackout until August 19<sup>th<\/sup>) but we had some absurdly frustrating and devastating financial news so we wound up not going. We\u2019re already really broke until payday on the 18<sup>th<\/sup> (like <i>seriously<\/i> broke which is why I\u2019ve been trying to get new items listed in the hopes of a sale or two) \u2026and this just made things worse. I so don\u2019t want to get into it but it\u2019s not good. Oh and for the record, Regions bank SUCKS.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>Sunday I had a migraine which was no fun. Even less fun was that I broke down and took some Excedrin but I guess I didn\u2019t have enough food in my stomach so the caffeine made me SUPER sick. Like, I was at the supermarket trying not to vomit, my stomach felt like lava sick. It sucked. Oh and the Excedrin didn\u2019t really even help my head much so that was worth it.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>Monday morning I woke up and I was still really tired and worn out from being sick the day before. I cannot tell you how much I did not want to go to work. But I did. I spent most of the day in a weird haze; all groggy and I\u2019d zone out and forget what I was doing, etc. It was like being medicated or something \u2013 but without the medication part. I made it through the day though.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>Today I\u2019m tired as usual. What else is new? I\u2019m just not sleeping well lately. Worse so than normal. And I keep having these really vivid, really intense, really odd dreams. And I\u2019ll fall into one like immediately. Like, I\u2019ll wake up in the middle of the night, lay there for a bit, fall back asleep and go right back into a weird dream. And then wake up again just as suddenly. I know I\u2019m getting into the dreams quickly because sometimes only 10 or 15 minutes have gone by. And it\u2019s leaving me so groggy and disoriented. They also feel \u201cdisturbing\u201d in some way I can\u2019t exactly describe even when the content isn\u2019t overly bothersome on it\u2019s own. I don\u2019t know, it\u2019s weird. And it\u2019s leaving me even MORE tired than usual and that sucks.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>I\u2019m also thinking a lot about Rand lately. Not in my dreams or anything but just little moments of sharp pain where I realize <i>he\u2019s gone<\/i>. I don\u2019t know if that makes sense. I\u2019m still in what I guess is the \u201cdisbelief\u201d stage but it feels more like \u201csurrealism.\u201d Like everything still feels foggy around the edges and like it\u2019s simply not possible. It feels like someone\u2019s trying to convince me 2+2=cheeseburger. Like, it doesn\u2019t even <i>make sense<\/i>. I\u2019m not really breaking down or crying or having the anxiety attacks right now but part of me wonders (and worries honestly) that it\u2019s coming. Like, I had to put some of the grief on hold as a coping mechanism, but we\u2019re not done with it yet. In 5 days, it will be three months. Seems both like longer than that and much shorter at the same time.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>Anyway, I\u2019m just in a weird place right now. I\u2019ve been SO stressed about the piles and piles of financial\u2026.just <i>mess<\/i> things have been and how it looks like we\u2019re never going to get our feet back under us from where we\u2019re standing to my health being weird and just\u2026off. Even for me. Add in hating my job (a given) but knowing I <i>have<\/i> to be here or I\u2019m going to lose it (which much as I <i>want<\/i> to not be here anymore, given the complete disaster that our finances are right now is not an option) life\u2019s just been even more tough than normal. I\u2019m so tired in so many ways and some days I just don\u2019t know how I\u2019m going to make the next hour let alone day. I just need a break; I need something <i>good<\/i> to happen to give me a little something to smile about, you know? A little <i>good<\/i> news instead of all this bad. I\u2019m feeling like I\u2019m at my limit and I just desperately need something to <i>go right<\/i> for a change.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-family: verdana,sans-serif;\"><span>Whew. Turned into a long entry so I guess I\u2019ve slacked more than enough for now. Better close up here. I just feel like I have so much I need to say and get out but no outlet to do it and no one to listen which makes it tough. Guess sometimes it just spills out here out of default.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"font-size: 10px;\">  <a href=\"http:\/\/posterous.com\">Posted via email<\/a>   from <a href=\"http:\/\/memoryanddream.posterous.com\/so-much-to-say-so-hard-to-get-it-said\">memoryanddream&#8217;s posterous<\/a>  <\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>And\u2026it\u2019s Tuesday again. Been meaning to update for a few days now but I really haven\u2019t felt like it, there hasn\u2019t been much to say that wasn\u2019t a downer and there just didn\u2019t seem much point. But I\u2019m at work and I\u2019ve already had a very busy morning so I felt like I needed a&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,1,23,7,8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-181","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-finances","category-general","category-grief","category-health","category-work"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/181","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=181"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/181\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":483,"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/181\/revisions\/483"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=181"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=181"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=181"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}