{"id":4181,"date":"2023-02-22T16:31:09","date_gmt":"2023-02-22T21:31:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/?p=4181"},"modified":"2023-02-22T16:31:15","modified_gmt":"2023-02-22T21:31:15","slug":"just-sad-all-the-time","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/2023\/02\/just-sad-all-the-time\/","title":{"rendered":"Just Sad All The Time"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

It’s so stupid. I have these moments where I’ll be sitting there, and I’m like I am so deeply and profoundly sad<\/em> and for half a second I forget why. Then it’s like….duh you dumbass. Obviously! Your mother died a month ago!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But even though that knowledge is there constantly and there’s no escaping it, sometimes, it drifts…maybe behind<\/em> other thoughts if that makes any sense. So for these momentary pauses, I’m not actively thinking about it. And I’m left feeling that crushing sadness but not the specific reason for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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One of a series of AI generated images I created to try and express how my grief feels.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

It’s so hard to believe it’s been over a month now. It both feels like too long and too short at the same time. How can I have been without my mom for a month<\/em> now? How is it that I’ve lived in a world without her this long already? And yet, the pain is raw and fresh and the wound still bleeds so it seems it only happened yesterday.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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It’s like barely treading water in a vast and endless ocean.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

I don’t know where the days go. Hours slink past in a blur. Some days feel endless. Other days are gone before I even knew they had arrived. Most days I wake up from disrupted and troubled sleep and just….sit. I have so many things to do<\/em> but none of them get done. The litter boxes have needed changing for a week now. I haven’t done it. Every day, I think, “tomorrow, I’ll do x.<\/em>” But then tomorrow comes and goes and my list doesn’t get shorter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s hard to put into words just how impossible it is to do<\/em> things. I’m exhausted before I begin. So I just don’t do anything. And then I’m mad at myself for letting another day go by with this pile of things undone. I’m angry at myself because I feel like this shit isn’t hard, so why can’t you do it?? I know I should give myself grace, but I can’t find it in me to be kind to myself right now. I feel stupid and like a loser because I’m just so incapable of the most basic tasks. DO SOMETHING<\/strong> I want to scream at myself! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Moving between utter panic and nothingness.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

As I type this, it’s almost 4:30pm. I haven’t gotten dressed yet. I want to take a shower, but I don’t want to let another day go without changing the litter. I don’t want to shower before<\/em> changing the litter. But there’s so many steps in changing the litter; I need to pick everything up, vacuum, wash the box, then wash the tub, refill the litter, put everything back and bag it all up. It’s like Mount Everest before I’ve even started. So I’m writing a blog entry instead. Another day of ignoring what needs to be done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s just hard right now. And honestly, I don’t know when it’s going to not<\/em> be hard. It’s hard to be a person; it’s hard to move in the world acting like everything hasn’t fallen apart; it’s hard to smile and make small talk and answer the cashier she she asks, “how are you today?” because she doesn’t really<\/em> want to know and I don’t really want to tell her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So another day where nothing is done and I just exist in a state of deep sadness.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It’s so stupid. I have these moments where I’ll be sitting there, and I’m like I am so deeply and profoundly sad and for half a second I forget why. Then it’s like….duh you dumbass. Obviously! Your mother died a month ago! But even though that knowledge is there constantly and there’s no escaping it,…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4185,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,23,2366],"tags":[256],"class_list":["post-4181","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-general","category-grief","category-mom","tag-mom"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/grid_0-7.png","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4181","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4181"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4181\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4188,"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4181\/revisions\/4188"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4185"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4181"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4181"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4181"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}