Happy it’s finally Friday. This week has just been one of those ones where even though I got off to a fast start with our overnight “vacation,” still has felt very long. It doesn’t help I’ve been hormonal this week with all the fun that comes with it (cramps, back pain and migraines) and while I felt ok on my actual day off, Wednesday (just tired), by late Wednesday night and into Thursday, I just felt awful. Wound up calling in. So my week has gone, Monday: drive back from St. Augustine; Tuesday: work; Wednesday: normal day off/rest up; Thursday: unwell, sleep and today back to work. On paper, it seems like not a terribly hard week but it’s just been…taxing.
We got paid today which is great, but it’s already all gone. We have a bunch of bills to pay that wound up getting pushed back from last check. Problem is, it’s also rent week and that sucks up all our money. So I’m not quite sure how it’s going to work for the next two weeks honestly. I have a few potential sales fluttering around which, if they come through, would be wonderful. I honestly and truly rely on the extra money I make in sales to keep us afloat more often than not. (My paypal account honestly has been the lifesaver in getting us through until payday when it comes to gas and food – frequently.) So cross your fingers the interest results in completed sales. I really am going to need it!
This weekend puts us in a rough place emotionally too. The 27th is one year since Rand went to the ER. It marks the last time we got to see him conscious and aware. We joked with him about the upcoming US v. Canada Olympics hockey game and how we’d set the DVR for him to see it. (US wound up losing and Love and I joked that we’d delete it off the box for him and call it a glitch. Of course, that’s when we expected him to wake up.) It’s also the opening weekend of the 2011 Bay Area Renaissance Festival. Rand loved the Renn Faire. We went every year. It was something we all looked forward to every year. Rand built up quite a collection of swords over the years. (Not the cheesy Franklin Mint type but rather, real, hand-forged steel ones you can actually spar with.) His Mom gave them all to us. We kept several and gave a few away to some of his friends as a remembrance.
The festival is always this time of year; late February through early April. Last year we couldn’t go. There was just no way. We had plans to go of course, but not after what happened. This year, I’d like to go again. I feel like it’s important not to just stop doing something because it’s difficult. I feel like we need to go because it’s hard. The only way for us to make it not hard is to face it. (If that makes any sense.) I think Love doesn’t want to go at all, as in ever again. I think he’ll go if I really push but I don’t think he wants anything to do with it anymore. And I understand but…if we don’t go, I feel like it’s always going to be a source of pain. That until we go again, we won’t be able to get past the bad parts. So that’s a challenge….
Anyway, it’s been a rough week. And I foresee the next few weeks being tough too. I think I’m going to pull my boss aside today and just apologize in advance if I get a little emotional. Just remind him that we’re coming up on the year anniversary and it’s kinda fresh and raw all over again. Grief, I’ve found, is a terribly devious and complex beast. It recedes and then attacks! and you are left, kinda lost and adrift in an emotional tempest; one moment the sky is clear and the sun is shinning and the next, it’s a terrifying storm.
Well on that happy note, I really need to start getting ready. I woke up about a half an hour before my alarm today so I just decided to get up then which gave me time to write this out. But now I need to start getting myself ready to face the day. Love has a doctor’s appointment at 6pm tonight (he’s been having vertigo problems and pain in his ear) so it’ll be a busy one all around. At least though, it’s Friday.