Panic Attacks, Rainy Days, General Blather

(I tried posting this through posterous but it’s not working. So if later this shows up a second time, sorry!)

Sunday night into Monday I didn’t sleep. I just couldn’t stop the horrible spinning thoughts in my head. I kept thinking about all this stuff about Rand and I cried and pretty much wound up with a panic attack. Hadn’t had one in months – not since right after he passed away. And of course, before he died, I’d never had one. But I just had so much anxiety after that it lead to these moments of complete panic where it felt like suffocating. They hit randomly in the first two months after he died but seemed to go away. I guess though it’s all kinda bubbling back up to the surface again and I just didn’t sleep worth a damn that night.

Got up Monday morning for work exhausted, still crying and totally not able to face the day. I couldn’t call in though so I had to just try and get by on completely frayed nerves and 2 hours of sleep. Lucked out that our internal software we use for everything was down for four hours yesterday. I literally can’t do my job without our database. So I wound up doing some other project entirely with invoices and such for one of the Executive Assistants instead. It was great because it was different, made me think a little and totally ate my entire day. The whole day blew by and I was able to only be on the phones for a single hour that day as a result. It was just what I needed to make it through the day.

Last night I slept a little better but I’m still tired. I’m happy it’s Tuesday and I can sleep in tomorrow. I need it. It’s crazy though how the damned mind works and just when you think you’re getting a handle on something – BAM! – it hits you again all over like it’s a fresh wound again. I’ve been sleeping poorly for weeks now; both due to emotional crap and also it’s been four months since my last massage and I’ve been in so much pain from my neck and shoulders I wake up from it and can’t get comfortable enough to sleep. Hopefully, next month I’ll have $40 again to spend on taking care of myself. I don’t know how much longer I can go with it like this.

It’s been so rainy the last few days here. Just all day long it pours. That’s not typical for Florida; we’re much more of the torrential downpour and 20 minutes later, bright, sunny skies kinda state. Hell, this is the place where it can literally rain on one side of the road but not the other. (And I do mean literally.) The roads were all flooded on my way in this morning and we had to take turns driving single-file down the middle of the road because of the massive lakes of water engulfing both lanes. Rainy days make it doubly hard to want to be at work because overcast, rainy days make me want to curl up in bed and nap.

In completely other news, I broke down and ordered a vacuum cleaner. Ours hasn’t worked in like 6 months. It was only $99 on amazon and I just put it on the credit card because dammit, with two cats my carpet gets nasty and I can’t stand to even try using my broken one anymore. (Which is as loud as a jet engine and barely sucks anything up.) Got the notification from amazon it shipped today and should get it in a couple days. I think it’s a pretty necessary thing to have a vacuum cleaner so I don’t think it’s a “splurge.”

So yeah, that’s the brief of what’s been going on the last couple days.