I have to admit, I’m really struggling right now. Halloween has always been my favorite time of year and it’s something I shared with my Mom who was also a HUGE Halloween fan. Every year for the past decade, I’ve been going up to her house to dress up and hand out candy with her.
The past couple years, she wasn’t feeling well on Halloween, but I still went up and dutifully handed out candy for her. Every year, I’d come up in early October to transform her house and make it spooky and wonderful. And this year…? I’m just so lost.
Our shared love of the Halloween season helped define my enjoyment and appreciation of Halloween. It was something she and I were both strongly passionate about and something we shared. My sister has never been much of a Halloween fan and while Love likes it, it’s not his favorite either. My Mom and I though…? We spoke the same spooky love language.
There wasn’t a bat item, or an owl item, or a full moon, black cat, or witch themed thing we didn’t both love. I played spooky music, and would wear a costume and we’d share the evening together seeing all the little kids and their costumes.
But now? It’s all coated in grief. Every fun thing I see my first thought is I want to share it with my Mom. I was in Michael’s last week and I turned the corner and saw these hanging ghouls with lights. It was like a literal punch to the stomach. Mom had been looking the past few years for a new “ghoulie” because hers was getting so worn from years outside. But she couldn’t find one anywhere. She was like, “I don’t think they make them anymore.” And here, sitting simple as could be on the display, were multiple styles of them. Mocking me. Mocking her. Mocking my loss and how she had been trying to find a replacement for so long.
I haven’t put up any of my decorations. I look at it all and it just makes me sad. It just reminds me she’s gone. There’s nothing more to look forward to. There’s no more Halloween nights together handing out candy, fighting off mosquitoes while stashing some of our favorite chocolates for ourselves to munch on throughout the night.
I don’t even know what I’m going to do on Halloween yet. I don’t know if I should go up with hand out candy anyway with my step-dad at the house to keep the tradition going, or even if I can handle doing that.
All I know is that this isn’t Halloween. It’s never going to be the same again and it hurts so damned much. I’m not sure how to face it and I’m not sure I can ever truly enjoy this time of year the same way again without thinking about all I’ve lost.