It's been hitting me really hard the last few days. And I'm sure it's going to continue being difficult for the next few weeks. We're at a year now since Rand went into the hospital. A year ago Sunday was the last time we spoke to him and saw him conscious. A year ago now we were struggling to know and understand the long-term prognosis. He was still sedated and we didn't know yet that he wouldn't wake up. I feel that same sense of panic and building anxiety I did last year after his passing. The anxiety that turns into attacks and forced me to take medication a few times when it got so bad I couldn't function.
The tiniest bump, disruption or change right now is making me fight back tears. It's all I can do not to just break down crying. I'm sitting here at work and just found out this section of questions we stopped asking last year we now have to start asking again AND additional ones we never had to ask. It's stupid and frustrating but it's not life-altering, and yet…I feel like crying about it. Instead, I decided to try to write out an entry to get some of it out. It's all just so overwhelming right now. Just…life and everything.
I'm scared and panicked and not sure how I'm going to make it the next few weeks. It's like it's all happening again. It feels very fresh and raw and it just hurts all over again. I feel this heavy sense of dread and just that fluttery panic right under the surface. I've got that same "how can people just go about acting normal??" feeling I did last year when this all happened. I feel like this is So Big that it seems like it should be something the whole world feels. It's hard to remember right now this is limited only to me (and a few others of course who also loved him.) It's so hard to remember that this is private grief and the rest of the world is moving on unaware.
Fuck it's just hard right now. And I really am struggling to go through the motions. The tears are just welling up right to the surface and I just feel like I can't do this. I just can't do any of this right now. And I'm afraid it will only get worse as the next few weeks go on…
:: the ever changing status of m ::
