Don't Even Know Where to BeginToday has been one of the hardest days in a very long time. And sadly, that's saying something. I have too many hard and too many bad days as it is.
I went in for one more of my six total cavities today. Turns out I need a root canal. Here's where I don't even know how to put it all in words. Back in March I went in for my initial consult. I had the broken tooth that happened from a 20 year old filling. That's when we found the six other cavities. We had the one tooth taken care of; filling removed, drilled out all the bactera and decay that had gotten in under, rebuilt it up and crowned it. That alone was over $800. My mom paid for it since it was critical and I didn't have the money. She didn't either, but she charged it.
Over the last six months, we've sold things, raised money, saved and managed to scrape together around $550 for the other half of the work (the six cavities.) It was another $850 for them.
Six months and we haven't even been able to come up with it all.
Last week we started working on the cavities. I did two on the bottom left. Today I was going in to finish off the left side and get the one on the top done. But it's not do-able. The decay has gone too far. The dentist said the tooth is dead and it looks like it's been dead for awhile. I have no idea how this happened. First of all, it was x-rayed in March. Now I'll grant you that was half a year ago but still... Secondly, it's never hurt. Not even a little. Not ever. But here we are, facing this nightmare.
He put in a filling for me today anyway. To buy me some time. He guesses I might be able to get two or three months out of it. But it's still a risk. I'm facing abscess, bacteria getting into my gums, surrounding teeth and roots and nerves, getting into my jaw bone and even getting into my ear. Left untreated, bacteria in your mouth can even lead to kidney failure. Not to mention facial deformity (if it gets into the bone) and excessive pain.
The problem is that I'm looking at around $2,300 for this work. The root canal, the core, the buildup and the crown. That's three times as much money as I initally needed that I have to raise in half the time. Somehow, despite only being able to scrimpt, sell and save $550 in six months, I now face needing over two thousand in two or three months. If that. With the holidays just around the corner nonetheless.
I broke down crying right there in the dentist's office. The dr and the assistant both felt so bad to see me uncontrollably cry they kept trying to comfort me. They even let me basically have today's filling for free. I have the credit from today's work ($167) for three months to put towards the restore work after the root canal. Which was really nice of them.
I called the office they referred me to about the root canal. Back top molars start at $900 and go up from there pending difficulty and complications. They gave me a website -
dentalplans.com - to check out as a way to get discounts on the work. After some extensive and confusing searching, I've found they accept one of the plans on the site. The plan is $119.95 for a year. But it would save me a few hundred dollars on the root canal, another few hundred on the crown and even some money on the remaining three cavities I still need to fix. Of course, it's another $120 of money I just don't have.
So now I just don't know what to do. I've just been sobbing all day. I went from depressed straight into suicidal in about .001 seconds this afternoon. I honestly can't tell you the last time I wanted to utterly and completely just off myself as badly as I do right this moment. I mean I might as well get on my little spaceship and fly to the fucking moon for all that I'll be able to come up with $2,300 in two months. I can't even
conceive of that much money. My car isn't even worth that much money. I literally don't own a single thing that even comes close to that much money. I mean not even close. It's a problem that a bullet to the brain will solve and pretty much nothing else.
Gods I just want it to be over. I can't even express how much I mean that. I don't want to just die, I want to cease to be. I want oblivion. I want to destroy my body and soul so I never ever ever ever have to be again. I'm just so tired of it all and I want it to be over. It never ever ever gets better. Ever. It just gets worse. And I can't do it anymore.
~ change comes to :: miss m ::
at 10/14/2005 12:00:00 AM ~
~
