So Much To Say, So Hard To Get It Said

Posted by miss m on Tuesday, June 8, 2010 @ 1:01pm in Finances, General Blather, Grief, Sickness and Health Issues, Work |

And…it’s Tuesday again. Been meaning to update for a few days now but I really haven’t felt like it, there hasn’t been much to say that wasn’t a downer and there just didn’t seem much point. But I’m at work and I’ve already had a very busy morning so I felt like I needed a slight mental reprieve and thus I’m writing up some semblance of an entry.


Let’s backtrack a bit and catch back up on the last several days…


Last Friday was our last day in our old building. The company is condensing buildings and moving everyone out of one of them and filling up another. Friday was also Janet’s last day. (The other day person who does the same job as me and who trained me.) So I spent as much time on Friday as possible packing and stalling so I didn’t have to be on the phones. I also had a project to do for a lady in another department who was already in the new building and needed help with.


Saturday we were going to run out to WDW for a few hours in the evening to catch the brand-new, summer-only fireworks show at the Magic Kingdom (they’re only running through August 14th and we’re on blackout until August 19th) but we had some absurdly frustrating and devastating financial news so we wound up not going. We’re already really broke until payday on the 18th (like seriously broke which is why I’ve been trying to get new items listed in the hopes of a sale or two) …and this just made things worse. I so don’t want to get into it but it’s not good. Oh and for the record, Regions bank SUCKS.


Sunday I had a migraine which was no fun. Even less fun was that I broke down and took some Excedrin but I guess I didn’t have enough food in my stomach so the caffeine made me SUPER sick. Like, I was at the supermarket trying not to vomit, my stomach felt like lava sick. It sucked. Oh and the Excedrin didn’t really even help my head much so that was worth it.


Monday morning I woke up and I was still really tired and worn out from being sick the day before. I cannot tell you how much I did not want to go to work. But I did. I spent most of the day in a weird haze; all groggy and I’d zone out and forget what I was doing, etc. It was like being medicated or something – but without the medication part. I made it through the day though.


Today I’m tired as usual. What else is new? I’m just not sleeping well lately. Worse so than normal. And I keep having these really vivid, really intense, really odd dreams. And I’ll fall into one like immediately. Like, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, lay there for a bit, fall back asleep and go right back into a weird dream. And then wake up again just as suddenly. I know I’m getting into the dreams quickly because sometimes only 10 or 15 minutes have gone by. And it’s leaving me so groggy and disoriented. They also feel “disturbing” in some way I can’t exactly describe even when the content isn’t overly bothersome on it’s own. I don’t know, it’s weird. And it’s leaving me even MORE tired than usual and that sucks.


I’m also thinking a lot about Rand lately. Not in my dreams or anything but just little moments of sharp pain where I realize he’s gone. I don’t know if that makes sense. I’m still in what I guess is the “disbelief” stage but it feels more like “surrealism.” Like everything still feels foggy around the edges and like it’s simply not possible. It feels like someone’s trying to convince me 2+2=cheeseburger. Like, it doesn’t even make sense. I’m not really breaking down or crying or having the anxiety attacks right now but part of me wonders (and worries honestly) that it’s coming. Like, I had to put some of the grief on hold as a coping mechanism, but we’re not done with it yet. In 5 days, it will be three months. Seems both like longer than that and much shorter at the same time.


Anyway, I’m just in a weird place right now. I’ve been SO stressed about the piles and piles of financial….just mess things have been and how it looks like we’re never going to get our feet back under us from where we’re standing to my health being weird and just…off. Even for me. Add in hating my job (a given) but knowing I have to be here or I’m going to lose it (which much as I want to not be here anymore, given the complete disaster that our finances are right now is not an option) life’s just been even more tough than normal. I’m so tired in so many ways and some days I just don’t know how I’m going to make the next hour let alone day. I just need a break; I need something good to happen to give me a little something to smile about, you know? A little good news instead of all this bad. I’m feeling like I’m at my limit and I just desperately need something to go right for a change.


Whew. Turned into a long entry so I guess I’ve slacked more than enough for now. Better close up here. I just feel like I have so much I need to say and get out but no outlet to do it and no one to listen which makes it tough. Guess sometimes it just spills out here out of default.

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