Busy start to the week. Today, Love has an appointment with an ENT and tomorrow, I go back to the gynecologist.
Love’s appointment is with a specialist about his ever-continuing vertigo problems. Started back in like February and treated it with decongestants and antibiotics and it got better for a few months. Then, it came back. Now, he’s having pain in his ear and vertigo hitting like every single day. It’s ruining his life and he can’t function when it hits. The doctor tried the same kind of regimen as last time but it’s not helping. He’s getting pretty desperate now since nothing is helping, so we’re off to the ENT in hopes of something that will actually work. Really hope we can get some answers. I hate seeing him so miserable like this!
Tomorrow, I go back to the gyno for an ultrasound to check on the status of my tumors; see if we can schedule surgery yet or not. I’m actually getting really panicked right now thinking that tomorrow I may have a date scheduled. I mean of course I want this to be over and done with and in order to get back to “normal” I need to have surgery but….it’s still surgery. Major, serious surgery. And I’m terrified of it. I’m afraid of the pain, the limitations, restrictions, medications – just the whole experience. And, once I have it, I have to put my entire life on hold for 4-6 weeks. I mean, no running to the post office, no driving myself to the craft store, no leaning over to pick up my beads off the floor – no nothing!
It’s hard to be facing surgery, time in the hospital, and then at least a MONTH of recovery. Knowing once I have a date, I will be on a countdown of days left I can function normally. The surgery and recovery just terrify me and it’s all this big, scary unknown. I’m trying to avoid reading too much about it because I don’t want to read horror stories. But, in trying to get an understanding and prepare myself, even the “normal” stories suck. It’s a lot of misery for a long time after the surgery even when it goes well.
So I’m kinda freaking out today.
The long build-up and the months of waiting have kinda made it worse since I’ve had more time to think about it and stress and worry, you know? When I was in the ER, it was all very urgent and immediate and while scary, I didn’t have a lot of time to dwell on it. But now, I’ve had months of waiting and worrying and too much time to start freaking myself out.
I may be a complete wreck before this is done. If I’m this freaked out the day before the appointment which may determine my surgery date, imagine how much worse it’s going to get as the days countdown to the actual surgery itself? Oh gods, I may need to ask for some anti-anxiety meds if how I’m feeling now is any indication!