I’ve been sitting staring at the title line for 15 minutes trying to start the blog but given that it’s about 1:30 in the morning, nothing is coming to me. Just a simple entry with brief update from the last few days.
Saturday – As you probably saw in the last post I stopped and checked my blood pressure. 120/79. Best reading it’s been since all this started. At least the damned meds are helping with the BP since they still suck side-effect wise. We made an oh-so-exciting run to a few stores for some items like conditioner. Par-tay.
Sunday – It’s damned hot out and we’re broke so we tried to think of something free to do in air conditioning. Debated seeing a movie as I have two free passes but anything we were interested in either played at times that didn’t work (like a 10:25pm showing. Hu? That’s it?) or were “no passes.” Instead, we wound up wandering around IKEA for a bit.
Found an ottoman that perfectly matches our chair (the “Jappling” but it’s not online, chair looks like this) for $79. OMG it’s perfect. But we don’t have $79. It appears that the Jappling was from 2009 and discontinued in general but it seems like our IKEA (Tampa) has a lot of no-longer-made items. (Our old sofa is still on the floor even though it too has been out of stock for a long time apparently.) Just makes me worried because it literally is a matched piece and I’m afraid by the time I have $79 it will be gone forever.
Monday – Still hot. (But then, this is Florida. So all the people who are like, OMG it’s HOT! need to shush because it’s exactly like this hot ALL THE TIME here from like April until November. Maybe now you’ll understand what I mean about air being so thick it’s hard to breathe. Anyway, tangent.)
Updated a few new pieces to the shop and one on the fundraiser shop. Sales have been lackluster lately, my bank balance is scary and I still even haven’t been able to pay July’s power bill yet. So I’ve been doing everything I can to drum up sales and get items listed.
…and that’s about it. It’s now like 2am so I guess I should get ready and head to bed.
Right now I’m just really feeling the monotony of it all and one day feels so very much like the last. I’m in a mostly non-changing Limbo and for the most part, I’m bored and lonely and feeling really isolated. Makes it hard to muster up energy to do anything, including things like getting ready for bed. (Doesn’t help that the BP meds also suck my energy out either.) I’m feeling a little hopeless and generally worn out now and two months into this, I’m just tired of it all. I want it to be over already.
I’m sick of listing off things I need but can’t afford and knowing I’m the reason we’re getting further and further in the hole. If I were still bringing in regular income, we wouldn’t be wondering where the power bill ($175 effing dollars) was coming from or how we can afford to replace Love’s lost glasses (he lost them the day I went into the ER and is getting horrible headaches not having them) or the wheel alignment on his car (when he drives 45 minutes one-way a day to work on a car that shudders so bad it is almost undrivable) or the mountain of medical bills I don’t have anything to give them because there just isn’t anything more in the budget right now.
I’m just feeling so fucking useless right now and pointless. I feel like everyone left the party already and I’m left standing there, alone, in the mess left behind but having no place to go. I gotta keep standing here and acting like I want to be here and it’s ok everybody else has moved on. But it’s not ok and I’m just standing here dying on the inside.