I have this weird quasi Déjà vu feeling this weekend. I think it’s because it was Memorial Day Weekend when this whole “hysterectomy” adventure started. I left work that Friday, starting hurting and spent the weekend progressively more and more in agony until I finally wound up in the ER that Sunday late afternoon.
Now here it is Labor Day Weekend and I have this strange, unsettled feeling in the center of my chest. I’m sure it’s just that it’s reminding me of where this all began and it’s making me reflective toward what a long journey it’s been so far – and how it seems like I still have so much further to go before it’s done.
From May’s holiday to September’s my life has gone in directions I never could have foreseen – both for good AND bad. I’ve dealt with challenges I didn’t know I could and I’ve learned to become an advocate for my own health and well-being. I’ve also enjoyed the amazing kindness of so many.
I have to admit though, that most evenings, as the day winds down and things get quieter, my mind goes to darker places lately. I get a deep sadness in me most nights and by the time I go to bed, I’m really quite down. It feels like this huge and massive weight pushing on me. By morning, I feel better and I go about my day as normal…until evening comes on once again.
It’s weird, this nighttime depression I seem to be experiencing. I’m not really sure the cause or the reasoning behind it, but it lends itself towards melancholy. I try to leave such sadness and sorrow to myself and don’t express it, but it comes right back on, night after night, like an unwelcomed visitor.
And so at 1am you get these kind of reflective and sad entries from me where my mind spins a little off-kilter and I reflect on where I’ve been, where I am and where I am yet to go. Seems the dark hours of the night bring out the darker corners of my soul these days and leaves me to settle in there for a time.
In any case, this holiday weekend just feels especially weird to me and makes me even more contemplative of what a long, strange summer this has been. I found myself trying to get ready for bed but unable to sleep without at least attempting to put some of this emotion down in words and possibly free myself a little from it’s grip. I feel weary under it’s weight and I often hope that by writing some of it down, I can unburden myself a little of it’s weight.
My wish for anyone reading this is that your weekend has a few less dark corners and a lot less sorrowful burden than mine.