It’s a sad day all-around.
Love’s Dad has to put his dog, Red, to sleep tomorrow. Red is only seven and this is pretty sudden. He wasn’t eating very well and had lost weight so they took him to the vet. Turns out he had tumors around his heart and some problem with his kidneys. Love’s Dad is devastated; Red is totally his buddy. And Red is such a nice dog. He was so dedicated to Love’s Dad. And the only other people he really liked near as much as Love’s Dad is Love and I. It’s everything I can do not to just start crying here at work.
On top of the sorrow about Red, today marks six months exactly since our best friend, Rand, passed away. That was sudden and unexpected as well and really threw our lives into a tailspin. Some days I still haven’t even begun to recover from it.
Six months and it still hits me like a blow to the chest at random, stupid moments. I don’t know when it’s supposed to get better. When will I stop getting a catch in my throat so strong I can’t breathe for a moment over seeing a brown Jeep Cherokee in the supermarket parking lot (same as Rand’s vehicle) or making a turn onto the road he lived on? Stupid things like a surprise plot on a TV show he used to watch or a movie or a commercial or whatever trivial, pointless thing that reminds me of him just kills me sometimes. The sheer finality of it just takes my breath away at those weird, random moments.
So it’s a hell of a sad day. Days like today I feel like I just can’t make it. I feel like I’m unraveling and there’s nothing I can do to hold the pieces together. And part of me is angry; when do I get to stop feeling this way? When does it get easier?
I have no idea and that not knowing kills me.