At my job I contact households associated with us. I can't really say how they're associated without giving away what company I work for but it's all established and on-going relationships. (Rather than sales calls or people who don't know who we are, etc.) We call the households to do updates and confirm our data about every 30-60 days. One of the things we list is all the household residents. We never delete someone but if they are no longer part of the household for any reason, they get marked as non-active. I just pulled up a household and one of the things I always do is check the household members to know who I'm allowed to speak to. (We can talk to anyone who is over 18.) And the wife was listed as non-active. The couple were older – both in their 70's – and I just knew that was a bad sign. Looking through the previous contact notes I saw one that listed the wife had passed away in November. I spoke with her myself in September and I went back to my notes and saw that at that time, she had just gotten out of the hospital with heart problems. So sad to think less than two months after, she passed away. It just really hit hard me for a moment. It's weird the things that do. For the most part, my grief is a lot better these days. I've settled into it if that makes any sense. I still miss Rand and it's still hard that he's gone but it's not so raw any more. But there are strange moments and random flashes where something just takes my breath away. It's really odd things; the things you think would upset you don't, while things you never thought in a million years that would bother you just slash you with a sharp sting you didn't see coming. It's been weird since the one-year anniversary of his passing. Because now, we're in a time when last year at this time, he was still gone. Before the one-year anniversary, I could think to myself that last year this time he was alive. But now, that's changed. And that was a tough thing to wrap my head around. It's still sometimes tough. Like, my birthday is coming up in a little less than two weeks and this is the second birthday he hasn't been here for. So it's now been TWO years since he was around for my birthday. And that's kinda tough to swallow. I don't know if I'm making any sense but it puts a different feeling on it to me. So I just had a really sad moment here at work; a momentary flash of grief. I felt my eyes well up a little but I thought if I expressed it and got it out, it might help. I just wanted to get this out really quick and try to share and take some of the burden off just myself. Sometimes I find just getting it out makes it a little easier to bear and I was really feeling a little overwhelmed. It's just difficult because I really don't know what's "normal" about grief and don't really have anyone to talk to (besides Love and I do talk to him but still, sometimes you need outside perspective) which is why I try to open up in moments like this. Maybe it makes sense and maybe it doesn't but if anyone understands, I'd appreciate hearing your feedback. I find grief can be a very lonely thing more often than not.
Category: General Blather, Grief, Work
1 thought on “A Momentary Flash of Grief”
Grief over loved ones is an all-consuming deep sadness which I have experienced before. There’s really nothing that can be done to alleviate these feelings except for time. As the years go by, the feelings lift little by little until you can finally go on with your day and not dwell on it. Having friends and family around truly helps, and doing all you can to express your feelings helps too. Even if it’s rage, or depression or just numbness.
Comments are closed.