This is a hard post to write for a lot of reasons. It’s hard to put it in words first of all. It’s also hard to admit how bad things are right now for me.
I’m in a really bad place right now. And I have been for awhile. Ever since this all started, it’s been this downhill emotional slope. A lot of this came to a head last night when I read lies and assumptions and scalding, hateful attacks on facebook by someone I thought was a friend; someone I know in person whom I worked with. It’s just tipped me over the edge where I can’t let all this fester any more. And there’s just so many things about everything in my life right now that weigh on me.
- Failure. I never wanted kids but it’s something entirely different to realize how flawed you are biologically. It hurts in this deep, primal way. It’s like, it was always my choice not to have children but when it suddenly stops being a choice, it hurts. I still don’t want kids but having the option taken from me bothers me in ways I never expected.
- Fear. Just being afraid all the time. Afraid of each step, each test, each result. Terrified that at the end of it all I still have major surgery to face. I can’t even express how much that scares me. Afraid of pain, afraid of side effects, afraid of never being “normal” again.
- Finances. When this all started, I was just worried about paying the doctors. But it’s turned into so much more. Now it’s hospital bills and past due medical bills and the complete fucking inability to get a single resource to help me with any of it – I’ve been denied Medicaid, HCRA, and even Food Stamps for fuck’s sake! (a story I haven’t even had the energy to discuss yet.) On top of the medical is the day-to-day; we can’t pay our bills on one income. And we’re more then two months into being on one income and I think about it constantly. I lay there in bed at night and my mind spins over and over and over with the things I need money for and wondering where it’s going to come from. How I can make it work. I feel helpless in it all and I feel guilty because I am the source of all this financial worry and aggravation. If I were making income, things would be better. Not perfect, but better. But my job will not let me work. They literally said all or nothing. I begged my boss to let me work while I’m waiting for surgery and he said no. I try not to be a victim but they won’t let me be productive, so what’s left??
- Frustration. I’m so frustrated by everything. Frustrated by hearing about everyone else who got their bills paid through some agency or program that turned me down. Frustrated by wondering where the bills are going to come from. Frustrated that I’ve spent over a year rebuilding my credit only to know it’s going to be utterly ruined by this – again. Frustrated about calling agencies or case workers or companies asking, begging for help and not even getting called back. Frustrated about being powerless and helpless to control my own fucking destiny. Frustrated I can’t put the pieces together to make a complete picture. Frustrated that I feel like people have given up and don’t care anymore and wish I’d just rather shut up about all this and stop “bothering” them with my world falling apart.
- Friendless. Yes I have online friends. And some are even really great. But in person? I literally don’t have a single friend. Not one. How sad and fucking pathetic is that? I’m so desperately lonely all the time. I cry Sunday nights knowing I have another week to face alone. Love is great but he has to work. (Of course.) So during the week, it’s just hours and hours of being alone in the apartment. I can’t just call up a friend to chat. I don’t have anyone to keep me company. I can’t wander around the mall to distract myself with a friend or just go to lunch or whatever. My best friend is dead and gone almost a year and a half now and there isn’t anyone else. I lay there at night, stuck alone with my thoughts and can’t sleep. I feel so isolated and so alone. I got to doctor’s appointments by myself. I get up alone, I go to bed alone. For a few hours, I can forget about it in the evenings, but then Love goes to bed and I’m back on my own again. Literally days can go by without me leaving the apartment at all.
I’m just a fucking mess. The hormones don’t help but it’s more then that. It’s a deep pit of hopelessness that just never eases. It never goes away. It’s like living in a perpetual eclipse; there’s this darkness permanently keeping me from the warmth and the light, leaving me in shadow all the time. And it’s just getting worse. I really am at my breaking point and I don’t know what to even do any more. I really and truly feel utterly lost.