Tuesday Blues

Posted by miss m on Tuesday, November 1, 2011 @ 12:52pm in Finances, General Blather, Grief, Holidays, Hysterectomy, Sickness and Health Issues |

Today I have an appointment at 2:45pm with the hematologist. It’s a follow-up to my pre-op appointment to determine how he wants to proceed with getting my iron stores (ferritin level) back up to normal levels. It was originally going to be last week but my Mom had an appointment that day and I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to drive myself at the time, so I had to change it.

Mom’s still coming over today but I don’t know if she’s going to come with me or not to the appointment. I think she said she’ll come here then I can drive from here to there. (Since it’s further past my house, and further from her home in the opposite direction.) I’ve got some photos I printed (yay free print coupons) to give her and she apparently has leftover Halloween candy she’s going to bring me.

I’m really bummed and sad though. Halloween really bothered me again this year. Second year in a row I didn’t carve a pumpkin, didn’t get to dress up, didn’t do anything. And, this year because of the surgery, I didn’t even put up my decorations in the apartment. Halloween is a tie for favorite holiday with Christmas for me. And ever since Rand died, it’s been just a sad reminder of him being gone. We used to go to his house, decorate, carve pumpkins and I’d dress up and hand out candy to the kids. But for two Halloweens in a row now…nothing.

It’s hard to explain to people who don’t like it as much as I do but the best I can say is imagine skipping Christmas two years in a row. No tree, no presents, no decorations – just an empty void where the fun should be. My surgery of course contributed to this year being a bit of a bust. I had originally hoped to go do something like Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party at WDW or something. You know, make a NEW tradition or such to give me a distraction. But surgery – both finances and physical ability – nixed that possibility.

And then there’s finances in general. Bills are starting to come in and I’m getting overwhelmed with them. I haven’t even gotten them all yet and I’m at over $2,000 so far I owe. Shop sales have dried up almost completely and I know in part, it’s because I need to get new items listed (I’m working on it) but, I also feel a little abandoned. Like, everyone was amazingly wonderful and supportive before surgery….but now, no one cares. Makes me question my shop and my jewelry. Like, was it all pity purchases? Getting to the point where I was able to pay my upfront costs for surgery was AWESOME and it was a lot of work and a huge part was in thanks to those who supported me. But, I feel like I’m halfway down the field and everyone left the stands. Now I’m kinda out here, alone as I’m being charged down by the next round of bills. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, just…lonely and kinda on the edge of the cliff now without a safety net.

I don’t know how to explain it right. I’ll make a more detailed post later with the specifics of the finances to maybe help illustrate my situation a little better. Now I need to get ready. I so don’t feel like it. I’m depressed and sad and don’t want to be bothered with any of it right now.

Hysterectomy Fund

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