In A Bad Place

Posted by miss m on Wednesday, March 21, 2012 @ 4:56pm in Finances, General Blather, Grief, Hysterectomy, PhoenixFire Designs, Sickness and Health Issues |

I thought I was dealing with last week being the 2nd anniversary of Rand’s death pretty well, until I realized last night as I was getting ready for bed that I’m actually in a bad place. I’m really angry and have no patience right now and everything is overwhelming pissing me off disproportionately to what it should. (i.e. minor problems feel like mountains instead of molehills.) I’m unmotivated, sad, down and just grieving I guess. Sucks. I really feel like I’m in a funk and I don’t know how to get myself out of it.

I had planned today to write up an entry about it being 6 months today since surgery and how far I’ve come in that time, but I just don’t feel chipper enough to write that kind of entry. I don’t feel like faking it either. I got up today and wound up laying back down just a couple hours later for a nap because I just didn’t feel like dealing with anything and wanted to just sleep more instead.

I’ve forced myself to work on some of my outstanding order items; the ones that are easier and require less focus like a bird nest pendant and a couple trees rather than the HP box and chain mail bracelet; but even then I keep stopping because I just so don’t feel like doing it.

So I guess I’m not dealing with it as well as I thought I was. It’s kinda settled back into my skin again right now and I feel like it’s this smothering blanket I’m covered in and can’t get it off. Makes me feel futile and like giving up all the fights I’m constantly having to wage with all these medical bills and debts and finances and struggles to figure out how things are going to get paid. It just all feels like why bother?

Sucks. I don’t want to feel this way but I really don’t know how to get out from under it right now.

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