My mom died yesterday.
I’m sure one of these days I’ll have the energy to talk about how we got here, but for now, I just feel the need to write and I’m starting at the end rather than the beginning. So forgive me.
It’s so hard to remember that the world is still spinning. Like, today I think I’m going to go grocery shopping because there’s no food in this house and I really need to do something “normal” and just…be part of the world again. Something that isn’t driving to-and-from the hospital and being there all day, every day for the past week.
The grief is a solid knot in my sternum. I feel it there, threatening to overwhelm me. But, at the moment, I just feel numb. Empty. I feel disconnected from my physical body. Everything feels like a projection or a shadow; like it’s not real, just the image of something that once was real. A film on a projector and I’m looking at the flickering images on the wall instead of real life.
It’s going through the motions right now. Like, driving by rote. Or getting dressed by habit. Things I know how to do so I don’t have to think about them.
I know at some point, this numbness is going to crack open and the dam of emotion is going to overwhelm me. I’ve already had breakdowns this week leading up to yesterday, but right now, it’s just too overwhelming to even feel or see.
I want so much to try and let out some of what I’m feeling but it’s so complicated and such chaos, I don’t know how to even begin untangling these threads. And honestly? I’m afraid if I do tug at any of them, it’s all going to unravel and I’ll fall apart.
In the coming days (who am I kidding, probably months honestly), I want to tell you about her. I want to share some of my memories. I want other people to know a little bit about her. That won’t be today. That part is too hard to talk about right now. But I think I want to come back here to this long-defunct journal to have a place to share my thoughts. They’re so much more involved than a quick facebook update or blurb, so I’m hoping having this as my place to better freeform write will help in this process. I can’t say how often I’ll update or how coherent these entries will be, but even if it’s just for me, I feel it’s important to write them.